


I Recall A Different Side of You

by thornfield_girl



Category: Justified
Genre: Angry Sex, Forgiveness, Friends With Benefits, Friendship/Love, Kissing, M/M, Old Friends, Oral Sex, Threesome - F/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-16
Updated: 2012-03-02
Packaged: 2017-10-31 07:07:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/341297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thornfield_girl/pseuds/thornfield_girl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Come on, Raylan. It's long past time for this, don't you think?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was written after viewing S03E05, Thick As Mud. I have no idea what Raylan was reading at the end of that ep, so I'm going with a Dear John letter. If it turns out to be something else... well, then I guess it's AU. :P

Raylan had been drinking awhile, sitting in his room alone. He was nursing them, only on his third in a little over an hour, but was definitely starting to feel it. He kept replaying the previous night in his mind, the things Winona had said to him. He couldn’t help but think it was unfair of her, to set him up like that just to yank everything away at the next opportunity. He’d finally felt accepted by her, as who he was and not who she wanted him to be, but she hadn’t told him what that meant. No, she’d saved that for a letter, couldn’t bring herself to do it in person. Raylan was pissed. 

When the knock came at the door, he couldn’t imagine who it could be. If Winona had experienced a change of heart, he thought she would have just let herself in, so he went to answer it with his guard up. He didn’t exactly let it down after seeing who it was, but mostly he was glad to see Boyd Crowder standing there. 

“Boyd. What are you doing here?”

“Hello, Raylan. You got company this evening?”

“I do now, I guess. Come on in. Get you a drink?”

“It wouldn’t be very courteous of me to let you keep drinking alone, would it? Yes, I’d like a drink, thanks.” He sat down at the little table by the window. Raylan brought him a glass and sat down across from him.

“What brings you out here tonight, Boyd?”

“I was hoping to have a chance to catch up with you, is all. Mostly we only get to talk when one of us needs something. But now that I say it, you’re looking a tad needful yourself at the moment. What happened?”

Raylan’s eyes narrowed. Boyd was, at times, uncomfortably observant. He didn’t know how much he wanted to let Boyd in on, as he still hadn’t really settled on a definition for their current relationship. He didn’t know if they were friends, enemies, or simply old acquaintances whose paths crossed from time to time. It wasn’t a line of inquiry he wanted to follow very far, either.

Since Raylan had been back, their relationship had been mostly adversarial, though in a strangely good-natured way that always kept him slightly off-balance. He had been plenty angry with Boyd for a good amount of that time, but Boyd rarely lost his temper with Raylan. By all rights, Boyd should hate him, should consider him a traitor to their people, working as a lawman for the federal government. Raylan knew there was much more to Boyd than the hillbilly facade he liked to put on, though, and he seemed to have a surprising ability to see the bigger picture. 

“I’m not having a great week, to tell the truth.”

“So I hear. But I’m sure Dewey Crowe is grateful for your assistance.”

“Yeah, well...” Raylan sighed, coming to a decision that he was not at all sure he wouldn’t regret. “Winona’s gone. Wrote me a Dear John and skipped out.”

“I am truly sorry to hear that, Raylan. I know you were feeling good about how that was going. Second chances and all that.”

“I guess I blew my second chance just like I did the first one.”

“Well, she has to take some responsibility there too. You know what they say about doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.”

“Definition of insanity, yeah. They also say, ‘Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...”

“Then it’s probably about sex. Yeah, I know that one.”

Raylan chuckled, despite himself. “What are you really doing here, Boyd?

“Honestly, only what I said. I know you’re not used to a great deal of sincerity from me these days, but I wanted to see you. I’ve been feeling nostalgic, I guess you could say, just wanted to see an old friend.”

“Well, we were friends, once. Good friends, as I recall, and I have reasons to feel grateful to you beyond that. But I’m not sure I can honestly say that’s what we are now.”

“And yet, here we are having a drink and a conversation, just like friends do.”

“Boyd, what do you want, here? I’m happy to have a drink with you. I’m happy to have a talk. If that means we’re friends, then fine. I guess we are.”

“Ah. Now I see. You’re thinking of the kind of friendship we used to have. Well, Raylan, I can understand the hesitation there. If we were to pick up where we left off, that would mean something else entirely. Is that your concern?”

Raylan looked at him hard, a clear warning in his eyes. “No. I’m not concerned about that.”

“Maybe you should be. Because it’s in my mind whenever you’re around.”

“Don’t talk about it. Leave it, Boyd, I mean it.”

“I can’t look at you and not think about all that, not imagine getting on my knees in front of you, not wonder what you look like naked these days. Pretty fucking good, I bet, from what I can tell.”

Raylan knew he should kick Boyd out of his room right then. His breathing had already picked up, his heart was racing, and if he kept it up things were going to get out of hand fast. Raylan was not a man with a great deal of impulse control, and his defenses were not exactly at their best at this moment. 

“Boyd, you should go. I don’t want to be talking about these things, now or ever.”

“Why is that, Raylan? Does it do the same thing to you as it does to me?”

“Shit, Boyd. Why are you doing this? Did you have a fight with Ava and she cut you off or something?"

“This doesn't have a thing to do with Ava. This is about you and me. I'm not talking about anything earth-shattering here, Raylan, just sex. You made me crazy back then, boy, I could not get enough of you. I think you could still make me crazy, if I let you. You grew up real nice, you know?”

“Jesus,” Raylan muttered, rolling his eyes.

“I’m not trying to change anything in your life, Raylan. I’m not looking for some kind of boyfriend. I just want you. I want to see if it’s like I remember, if it could really be that fuckin’ good.”

It had been that good, Raylan remembered enough to know that. It had been burning hot, every time, rough and bruising and fucking amazing. He stared at Boyd, trying to make up his mind. It was all kinds of wrong, he knew that. He also knew the battle was lost already, there was no way he was passing this up tonight. 

Raylan closed his eyes in defeat and reached his hand across the table. Boyd took it, and held it as he finished the rest of his drink. Then he released it, and stood up to walk around to Raylan’s chair. 

“Come on, Raylan. It’s long past time for this, don’t you think?”

Raylan stood up and pulled Boyd in by the waist. They were both hard, beyond ready. Boyd was right, it was past due. They should have done it when he first got back and gotten it over with. Though, he wasn’t entirely sure it would have been over with. This was a tricky business. Their relationship had never taken a romantic turn, but there had always been a great deal of affection between them. The feelings had been confusing, more so because they were both boys and neither considered himself to be gay, or anything of the sort. 

Back then, they didn’t kiss each other on the mouth. They would lick and suck and bite on each other’s necks, shoulders, hips. They would give each other blow jobs or hand jobs, they’d even fuck each other senseless, but they wouldn’t kiss. Only once did that happen, and it was memorable. 

It was the day after the mine collapse, when Raylan had said he was leaving. Boyd had said he understood, hadn’t tried to stop him, but Raylan had felt sort of guilty anyway. Not that Boyd was his responsibility, or that he was obligated in any way, but the feeling was there nonetheless. 

They’d fooled around that afternoon, both of them behaving more carefully than usual, more gently. Raylan was jerking Boyd off, and the two of them were lying next to each other, when they made eye contact unexpectedly. That was another thing they generally didn’t do, not while they were doing something like this. Instead of glancing away, which would have been the usual protocol, they stayed like that for a moment. Then Boyd broke the unspoken rule, and leaned in to press his lips to Raylan’s. Raylan had been shocked, but at the same time, it had felt like the right thing to do. He understood why Boyd had done it, and he didn’t pull away. 

That had been their last time together, and that kiss had stayed with him. It was the only time he’d ever kissed, or been kissed, by a man. 

“Boyd... if we do this, are we gonna be able to stop doing it?”

“Let’s just cross that bridge when we come to it, okay?”

“I’m serious.”

“Sure, Raylan. I think so, if we have to.” Boyd did not sound the least bit sincere to Raylan in that moment, but he didn’t want to ask any more questions that might stop this from happening. He barely hesitated before moving in to kiss Boyd on his lips, which were softer than he had remembered. 

The kiss didn't go on too long, but it was decidedly heated. Boyd pulled back from it and looked at Raylan with widened eyes.

"Woah."

"Yeah. I ain't a scared kid anymore. If we're doing this, we should be able to - "

His words were cut off by another kiss, this one harder and more passionate, and accompanied by Boyd's hand squeezing the back of his neck. 

"I couldn't agree with you more, Raylan."

Boyd started unbuttoning his own shirt, and Raylan followed suit. He thought this should feel stranger than it did, it shouldn’t feel at all natural to be getting undressed here in his room with Boyd. Boyd had gotten his shirt off and was reaching for the button on Raylan’s fly, and as Raylan glanced up at him, he felt an unexpected rush of fondness for the man. He was still so skinny, though certainly more muscular than he’d been at 19. It wasn’t thrilling to see the tattoos there on his body, particular the one on his left arm, but Raylan pushed that out of his mind. It wasn’t important now. 

As Boyd opened his jeans and pushed them down, just around his thighs, Raylan snuck a few looks at his face. It was rare for Boyd to betray himself by his expressions, and that moment was no exception. Raylan couldn’t tell what he was thinking, and really, it was no wonder. He couldn’t even figure out what was going on in his own mind at the moment.

Boyd knelt on the floor in front of him and began sucking him in a way that brought back an instant flood of memories. It was an act of pure lust on Boyd’s part, something he obviously loved doing. Raylan knew, remembered, how hard Boyd would be when he was finished with Raylan. He would never touch himself while he did this, always focused all of his attention on the task at hand. Raylan could hear Boyd moaning real low as he felt the insistent pull of his mouth, felt his fingers digging into the backs of his thighs. 

“Oh my god, I forgot this... how did I forget this... fuck, Boyd.”

Boyd sped up in response to his words, obviously affected by them, and Raylan felt himself beginning to lose control. He ran his fingers into Boyd’s hair, rubbing lightly at the scalp. He couldn’t believe how good this felt, how intense and how... _fuck_. He was coming, without any time to warn Boyd - without much warning even to himself. Boyd didn’t stop until he was finished, pulled it all out of him, swallowed, then rested his forehead on Raylan’s abdomen for a few moments. Raylan’s hand was still in his hair, and he wasn’t particularly anxious to remove it. It felt nice. 

“Sorry about that. I guess it was just a little... much, after all this time.”

“No need to apologize, Raylan. But reciprocation would be much appreciated.”

“You bet. How about you get your clothes off first?”

“How about you do too?”

They both removed the rest of their clothes and stood naked in front of each other for the first time in more than twenty years. Boyd’s eyes slid up and down Raylan’s body and he grinned in a fairly indecent way.

“Goddamn, Raylan. You are something to look at.”

“You ain’t so bad yourself. Except for the...” He flicked his eyes at Boyd’s arm. 

“Yeah, yeah, I know. You can lecture me after you suck my dick, okay?”

Raylan moved toward Boyd again and pushed him gently so he’d fall back onto the bed. He climbed on top of him and kissed him again, enjoying the novelty of it. Boyd seemed to be enjoying it just as much, and Raylan was surprised by how compatible they were in their kissing style. He wondered if he’d been missing out on this back when they were kids together, or if Boyd had learned it during the interim. He crawled down the bed and knelt between Boyd’s legs. Boyd was very obviously aroused, hard as steel and leaking, but he seemed otherwise calm.

For a brief moment, Raylan considered asking Boyd if he wanted to fuck, wondered what that might feel like after all this time. Then he realized how insane that was, how much of a step that would be in a direction he had no plans to take.

He took Boyd in hand and licked him, which got a reaction from him at last. His body jerked, and he grabbed at Raylan's hair.

"Don't get too fuckin' cute, Raylan. I don't see myself lasting very long, I might just come all over your face."

"That don't sound too bad to me, Boyd. You do what you need to do."

"Fuckin’ hell, remind me again why we've been putting this off?

Raylan didn't answer, because his mouth was full of Boyd, and he was doing his best to remember all of the things Boyd used to like. He went slow, hoping Boyd would last a little while, anyway. This interlude had been completely unexpected, but now that they were doing it, Raylan didn't want it to end too quickly. He didn't know if Boyd would want to leave right after, and he didn't want to be alone again just now. 

"Raylan, come up here."

Raylan pulled off reluctantly and lay next to Boyd. "Something wrong?"

"Hell no, everything's great. I just wanted to... I just want... "

Boyd pulled him close, sucking on his neck and hooking a leg around his knee. Raylan reached for his cock and stroked him, kept doing that while he reached up with the other hand to pull Boyd's head away from his neck. He held his face by the jaw and kissed him deeply, and as soon as he did, Boyd started jerking his hips up into Raylan's hand. As he came, he gasped into Raylan's mouth and mumbled something. Raylan wasn't sure, but it sounded something like, "Missed you..." 

They disentangled themselves, and Raylan grabbed the box of tissues by the bed. He wiped his hand, and Boyd cleaned up his stomach. 

Raylan felt suddenly awkward. He didn't know if Boyd was leaving now, or if he'd want to stay and drink some more. Or if he might even... no, Raylan couldn't imagine him wanting to stay the night - and if he did, Raylan wasn't sure if he'd want him to. 

"What's wrong?" Boyd was looking at him sharply, and he realized that his little freak out must have been showing on his face.

"Nothing."

"Fuck 'nothing.' Spit it out, come on."

Raylan sighed. "Christ... fine. I just don't know what the etiquette is with this."

"What, are you wondering how long you have to wait before you ask me to leave?"

"No! No. I kind of wanted to ask you to stay awhile. But I didn't want it to be weird."

"Oh, it's way too late for that, Raylan. But I'll stay, I got nowhere to be. I wouldn't mind another bourbon, though."

"I think I can manage that." 

Raylan got out of bed to get the bottle and their glasses, and as he was walking back he noticed Boyd watching him again. 

"I'd tell you to take a picture, but I don’t want it ending up on the internet."

Boyd smiled at him, then pointedly looked away. 

"Shit, I don't mind if you look. I was just messing with you." He sat back on the bed and handed Boyd his drink.

"I do like looking at you. You look different than you used to."

"Better or worse?"

"Different."

Raylan pulled the sheet up so it covered both of their lower bodies, and they settled back against the headboard to drink. 

"You look different too."

"I know I do. Sometimes I feel like I'm a hundred years old."

"I didn't mean old. Just..."

"Different."

"Yeah."

They were both quiet for awhile, and it was okay. Raylan was wondering how this was going to affect their interactions in the future, and he wondered if it was going to happen again. He knew it shouldn't. Once was one thing, but a regular dalliance was another entirely, and what concerned him most was that he was thinking about kissing Boyd again just then. Not because he wanted to have sex again - although, that might be a possibility - but just because he'd liked it. 

"What is it now?"

"Huh?"

"Raylan, if I ever decide to get a poker game together, I'm putting you at my table. You're obviously distressed about something. I know this whole thing has been rather unsettling, and not just for you. It wasn't... quite the way I remembered it being."

"On account of the kissing, I expect."

"Largely, yes."

"Sorry about that."

"Don't be sorry. I'm not unsettled because I _didn't_ like it. And anyway, I'm the one who came around here tonight. So is that what it is for you?"

"Actually... I was just feeling bad because we can't keep doing this. It's not right. But I want to."

"I know."

"And I'd like to kiss you right now, but I don't even know why I want to."

"You don't?"

"Not really. Why, you got a theory?"

"I have some thoughts on the matter, not sure they would qualify as a theory."

"Okay..."

"Raylan, you ever been with any other guy?"

"No, just you."

"Ever wanted to?"

"Not really. There were times I wouldn't have turned down a blow job if one had been on offer, but never enough to seek it out."

"I'll take that as a no, because I'm sure you wouldn't have had to seek very long before you got an offer."

"Okay, so?"

"Well, me neither. Why do you think that is?"

"We're not gay?"

"No, we're not. And yet here we are, all naked in your bed and you're talking about how you want to kiss me."

"What's your point?"

"Well, there has to be some reason we have that effect on each other. It doesn't make much sense otherwise."

"Fine, but what?"

"Well, I can only speak for myself, of course. I have no idea what was going on in your head back then, you’ll have to figure that out for yourself."

“Understood.”

Boyd looked down into his glass, uncharacteristically hesitant to speak. Raylan had rarely seen him embarrassed, but that was what he seemed to be just then. He spoke carefully.

“You know how fucked up my family was. It was hell living in that house, Raylan. It was hard trying to live up to what my daddy wanted from me, trying to find my way in life. I was living in constant conflict with myself, because what I knew to be right and true was not at all what I was doing. And there I was, digging coal, trying to find out if I thought I could do that for the rest of my life, live with some kind of integrity, and I was miserable. There was not a single thing I could point to in my life that gave me joy. Then you walked into that mine, and I don’t know what it was about you, but it was like a window opened and I could breathe again. Before you even came over to say hi, I already felt better just seeing you there. 

Then... we got to be so close in such a short time, and I honestly never felt like being around anyone else, that whole time. I stopped thinking about girls, stopped wanting to do anything else but hang around you. And that was before we started anything up, I just wanted your company. I can’t say I really find it so surprising that my mind eventually translated those feelings into something else. Something more. Because they were such strong feelings. I couldn’t even begin to define what they were, at the time, but I know now that it was just love. Maybe it wouldn’t have been so terrifying to me if I had been more familiar with that particular emotion.”

Raylan had been sitting silently, listening to Boyd talk and looking anywhere but at him. He knew it had been hard for Boyd to say those things, and it had been hard to hear them. He looked at Boyd now, still staring at his drink and looking almost afraid. Raylan knew it had been a big thing for him to admit, and he kind of wished he hadn’t. 

“Boyd... “ He trailed off, because he just didn’t know what to say. He wanted to reassure him, but that would require more honesty on his own part than he felt comfortable offering. Boyd looked back at him, meeting his eyes with a neutral expression, emotions once again beneath the surface. 

“It’s ok, Raylan. You don’t have to say anything.” 

Boyd gave him an affectionate smile, and Raylan knew he had guessed at most of what was going on in his mind. He decided to give Boyd the only kind of honesty he felt capable of at the moment, and reached out to put a hand on his shoulder. He rubbed a thumb over his collarbone, and Boyd turned his body towards him. Raylan put down the glass he’d been holding in his other hand, leaned in and kissed him softly. Then he leaned back again on the headboard and sighed. 

“This is very inconvenient, Boyd.”

“You do have a talent for understatement, Raylan.”

“I can’t be doing this.”

"You think we should try to pretend like this never happened? Like we been doing?"

"No. Not with each other, anyway. I'm not sorry we did it."

"I'm not sorry either. This was something good. Always was good, and I wish I'd been able to give myself permission back then. Wish I hadn't been so conflicted about it."

"Yeah, well. It was confusing."

"That it was. Still is, really, but now I just don't give a shit. I'll take it for what it is."

"And what do you think it is?"

"It's just another kind of connection, Raylan. I don't think we need to examine it too closely. I'll be around if you want to do this again, though. Probably always will be."

"You think we'll still be gettin' together to fuck when we're 70?"

"Time will tell."

Raylan looked at him for a few beats, then came to a decision. 

"You want to stay over?"

"You really asking me?"

"Why not? I want company, and you're good company."

"Well. Alright, then. I'll stay, but I should warn you that I'm what you call an active sleeper. I take up more than my share of the bed."

"Is that meant to excuse you in case I wake up with you cuddling me?"

"Why, do I need an excuse for that?"

Raylan considered that question more seriously than Boyd had probably intended, but he felt like it went to the heart of his discomfort about all this. 

"No, in fact I am telling you right now that you don't have to make any excuses where I'm concerned. You want something, you ask me. I might say no, but I won't mind you asking."

"Well, that's fair. Same back at you."

“And, Boyd? Don’t think any of this means I won’t arrest you if I have to. I know you’ve got shit going on right now, and I don’t particularly need to hear about it, but I can’t turn a blind eye if it comes under my purview. You have to know that.”

“I do know it, Raylan. I never held that against you, you should know that by now.”

Raylan did know that, although he found it hard to reconcile. They had both chosen lives that would put them in frequent opposition to each other, and yet they both seemed to want to be on the same side whenever possible. Maybe it was just that they’d come from the same place, the same people, and they understood things about each other that most others couldn’t comprehend. That was why Raylan was good at this job; it wasn’t simply that he understood these people, it was that he was _of_ them. 

“I’m pretty goddamn tired right now, Boyd. You mind if I turn out the light?”

“I don’t mind. Let’s get some sleep.”

“It’s gonna be weird in the morning, ain’t it?”

“Most likely. We’ll just power through, don’t worry about it.”

Raylan turned out the light and they went to sleep.


	2. We Were So Close Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raylan has a lot of unresolved anger, and figures Boyd is the best person to help him out with that. Boyd wants to help, as usual.
> 
> This chapter was written after S03E06, When the Guns Come Out.

Raylan knew he shouldn't be feeling betrayed by Boyd's actions. His decision to use Helen's property as an Oxy clinic was business, not a personal attack on Raylan. He knew that he couldn't expect any extra consideration from Boyd just because they used to fuck each other, and the fact that they had recently renewed that questionable - yet undeniable - connection made no difference. He had told Boyd to expect as much from him, so there was no reason Raylan should be expecting any different from Boyd's end. 

What he had told Boyd after he found out about it, after the shooting and robbery of the clinic, that was something he didn't think he should have to feel bad about. He'd threatened Boyd's life, had invoked the horrifying moment when he thought he'd killed someone he had once cared a great deal for, and he'd had a good reason for doing so. 

He couldn't help but wonder, however, what he would actually do if he and Boyd found themselves in such a situation. He also wondered if Boyd had taken him at all seriously in his warning. He hoped so, hoped that Boyd would take it to heart. He wasn't sure just how irreparably something like that would damage him at this point. And if Boyd didn't believe him, and chose to trade on the connection they had, what did that say about Boyd's true feelings? 

Raylan had decided that the best course of action where Boyd was concerned was to stay as far away as he could from him, and the whole fucking mess. Why Art thought he was the best person to deal with it was beyond him. Tim could go next time, he could handle Boyd in an objective manner, wouldn't get tied up in knots trying to figure out how personally to take things.

His evenings in the week since the night Boyd had come over had been somewhat interminable. There was no way he was going to call and invite Boyd back, not after what had happened, at least not so soon. Raylan was lonely, missing Winona, and also unable to prevent his mind from replaying the things he'd done with Boyd. That fucking blowjob, Jesus Christ. The bruises on his thighs from where Boyd had handled him less than gently, they were finally beginning to fade, and Raylan was almost sorry to see them go. 

The night that had followed it had been interesting too. Boyd hadn't, as he'd warned he might, touched Raylan in his sleep. He did thrash around a bit, and Raylan had woken a couple of times, thinking that maybe he should do something, hold on to him or at least put a hand on his arm, but he hadn’t felt like that would be prudent. Boyd had been too honest with him, and Raylan had the feeling that maybe Boyd's feelings weren't completely buried in the past. For that matter, for all he’d been unable to speak of them, Raylan wasn't sure that his own were either.

The morning hadn't been as weird as he'd feared. When he'd awoken, Boyd was already dressed, and had sat down on the edge of the bed when Raylan sat up. 

"Thanks for the hospitality, Raylan."

"You weren't lying about being an active sleeper, Boyd. Jesus."

"I hope I didn't keep you up too much. I'm sure you needed the sleep."

"That’s okay. I needed the company more."

"I'll see you before too long, undoubtedly."

"It always seems to work out that way, don't it?"

"For better or worse, it does."

Raylan later thought maybe he should have taken that as a warning, but he hadn't really needed one anyway. He knew something like this was always around the corner with Boyd. 

Several nights passed in this way, stuck inside his own head and not getting anywhere. This was a rare state of affairs for Raylan, and he was antsy as hell. He was close to going out to a bar and seeing what trouble might come his way, like he'd done at other such times, when it occurred to him that there was no need for that at all. His fight was with a specific person, and getting himself beaten up or beating up some random stranger wouldn’t truly satisfy his needs. It would be little more than a distraction. He could take his anger directly to the source. Or at least, one of the sources.

Before he was all the way in the door of Johnny's bar (if it could honestly be called that), Boyd called out to him from where he sat. He wasn't even facing the door, but he knew. Raylan didn't know how he was always able to do that, but he found it disconcerting to say the least. 

"Boys, it is a rare honor indeed to welcome Deputy Marshal Raylan Givens to our establishment not once, but twice in one week. Please offer Raylan whatever he'd like in the way of refreshment."

"I didn't come here for a drink. I'd like to speak with you, if you wouldn't mind, about an urgent matter."

Boyd's eyebrows rose almost imperceptibly, and Raylan saw his eyes darken with something; he doubted very much that it was fear.

"Well, Raylan, why don't we go into the office so we can discuss the matter in private."

Raylan followed, and when they entered he locked the door behind him. He stood for a moment, glaring at Boyd. His anger had not dissipated, but he realized his own mistake immediately. He had fooled himself into thinking he was coming here to kick Boyd's ass, but that had been a lie all along. 

"How can I be of service to you today, in my place of business, Raylan?"

Raylan closed the distance between himself and Boyd in two long, quick strides, while Boyd stood calmly in front of the metal desk. 

"This ain't about business, Boyd." Raylan spoke gruffly, surprising himself by how little control he heard in it. 

Boyd reached out to put his hand to Raylan's face, but Raylan grabbed it and pushed it away. He spun Boyd around and pushed him into the desktop, reaching around to unbuckle his belt, his cock pressing into Boyd from behind.

"Raylan, flattering as all this is, Johnny and several other of my associates are right on the other side of that door. I'd be happy to come by your room later, if that's - "

"Fuck you, Boyd. I don't give a fuck if you yell out my goddamn name. If you don't want 'em hearing us, you'll just have to keep your fucking mouth shut for once."

Raylan had gotten Boyd's pants down and was working on his own. He bit down on the back of Boyd’s neck and reached a hand down to his ass. 

“I don’t suppose you have anything here I can use.”

“As unpleasant as the thought may be, I believe Devil left something in the bottom desk drawer. But Raylan, are you sure you - “

"Shut up, Boyd. You owe me one, goddamn it, and you're gonna give it to me now."

Raylan walked around to the other side of the desk and found a bottle of lube. Doing his level best to shut off any thoughts of Devil, he came back over to Boyd, who was still leaning forward on the desk and was now looking up at him. The expression on his face gave Raylan pause, or rather his own reaction to it did. It was full of understanding, even compassion, but all it did was to bring the anger boiling back up inside of him. He stared at him, wide-eyed with fury which, had he stopped to think about it, he would have known was about much more than Boyd’s goddamn Oxy clinic. 

But Raylan didn’t stop to think about it. He didn’t consider what he was doing to Boyd, or to himself, he just let his anger carry him through. He didn’t take his time, he wasn’t gentle, and he didn’t give Boyd a single kiss, or a single caress that was not directly in service of getting inside of him. 

And yet, Boyd didn’t fight him. He let Raylan have his way, gave him whatever he thought he was owed. When Raylan pulled his fingers out and breathed in his ear, “Good enough?” Boyd only nodded. 

“You want me to use a rubber?” Boyd shook his head. 

Raylan started to push in, and it was incredibly tight. Boyd had told him that he hadn’t been with a man since being with Raylan so long ago, and he believed it. Raylan hesitated. He knew this was going to be painful for Boyd, and while he had come here seeking to dish out some pain, he didn’t want to do any real damage. 

“Raylan, just do it. Turn off your goddamn brain and fuck me, before Johnny comes busting in here to check on us. He does have a key, you know.”

Raylan pushed in further, and he could feel Boyd trembling slightly beneath his hand. Raylan groaned at the intensity of the heat and pressure. He fucked him slowly at first, but picked up the pace before long. He could feel it coming on fast. He gripped Boyd’s shoulder and pushed in hard, gritting his teeth and grunting as he came inside of Boyd. As he pulled out, he realized that his anger had left him. It had been replaced with an unpleasant empty feeling. 

He could see that Boyd was still sort of hard, but he was doing up his pants.

“You want me to suck you off?”

“No, Raylan, this was for you, not me.”

That was enough to stop Raylan in his tracks. He stepped away from Boyd and zipped himself up. He was a fucking mess, and he knew it. He sat down in a chair next to the desk and put his head in his hands.

"Oh, god, I'm sorry, Boyd. Jesus Christ, I practically fucking raped you. Why did you let me do that?"

Boyd smirked at him and shook his head. "It ain't rape if I let you, now is it?"

"You know what I'm saying."

"Raylan. How many times do I have to prove to you that I know who you are?"

"I don't know what that means. I don't know what the hell I'm even doing here."

Boyd walked over to where Raylan sat, braced himself on the arms of the chair and leaned down so his face was inches from Raylan's. He spoke very softly and looked directly into his eyes.

"I am your friend, Raylan Givens. You don't have to be mine, that's for you to decide, but I'm yours. That means you get to come and see me even if you don't know why. That means you can ask me for things, remember? If I'd said no, I have every confidence in the world that you would have accepted that. That is who you are, and you know it as well as I do." 

"I don't know what it is that I want anymore."

"I know that too."

"How can you know that?"

"Because..." Boyd leaned forward just a little more, and their lips met. They kissed, Boyd hovering there over him and giving him the thing that, apparently, was what he'd really come looking for, giving it to him over and over. When he finally stopped, Raylan let his head fall back, and he sat staring at the ceiling for a moment.

"Oh, for fuck's sake, Boyd."

Just then, there was a banging on the office door. 

"Everything okay in there, Boyd?"

Boyd answered, and Raylan was astounded at how steady and unaffected his voice was, all things considered.

"Fine, Johnny. Raylan and I are just going over old times."

Raylan stood up and walked over to Boyd. Boyd put his arms around him and hugged him. Raylan didn't know what to do with the reality of how good the hug felt, how hard it was for him to loosen his hold on the man.

“If you want to come by later, you can get yours.”

Boyd grinned. “You sure about that?”

“I’m not sure about a goddamn thing, Boyd.”

“Okay, Raylan. I’ll see you in a couple hours.”

Raylan nodded at him and walked out through the bar. Johnny and the various other shady characters in the bar eyeballed him as he made his way to the door. He thought about what could have happened, had Johnny decided to take the initiative and come into the office when he was fucking Boyd. It had been a really stupid risk to take, and it had been even more fucking stupid for Boyd to let him do it. They’d have to talk about this tonight.

However, by the time Boyd came to his door, Raylan was fed up with thinking about shit. Raylan wasn’t an unintelligent man, but given the choice, analyzing his own behavior and feelings was on the very bottom of his list of preferred activities. So instead of the talk he’d originally planned to have with Boyd, he pulled him into the room and began kissing him immediately, unbuttoning his shirt and running his hands over his chest. Boyd didn’t fight this time either, but neither did he seem passive as he had back at the bar. He unzipped Raylan’s jeans and pushed his hands inside, walked Raylan backwards towards the bed until he fell down on it. Boyd climbed on top of him and pulled his pants the rest of the way off. 

“Don’t look so nervous. I’m not doing that tonight. Save it for later.”

“You can, if you want, it’s only fair-”

“Hush, Raylan. I’m not going to fuck you to get back at you.”

Raylan looked slightly abashed, and Boyd rolled his eyes.

“I’m in bed with the hottest fucking guy in Harlan County, and instead of sucking my dick he’s busy moping over what a fucking asshole he is. I have new found sympathy for women everywhere.”

Raylan gave Boyd a skeptical look and asked, “Just in Harlan?”

“Raylan, at the risk of making you even more vain than you already are, I can safely say that I have never seen anything near the likes of you, anywhere I have ever been. Not that I’m a world traveller. Now please, for Christ’s sake, will you get on with it?”

Raylan reached up and pulled Boyd down to him, kissing him and rolling over on top of him. He wanted to make up for what had happened earlier that evening, it was still bothering him. He couldn’t understand why Boyd hadn’t stopped him, and that scared him a little. 

He could feel Boyd’s cock against his thigh, but he wasn’t urging Raylan down there just yet, so Raylan spent some more time kissing him on the neck, the collarbone, down the middle of his chest. When Raylan came to the scar that came from his gun, he kissed that too, and Boyd gasped. For a second, Raylan was afraid that he’d hurt him somehow, and started to move away, but Boyd held his head still with both hands. 

“Do that again, Raylan.”

He kissed it again and he heard Boyd’s breathing change. He kissed it a few more times, and Boyd stroked his hair as he did it. Before moving further down Boyd’s body, Raylan glanced up at his face. He saw that there were two thin streams of tears running down the sides of Boyd’s face, and his eyes were closed. Raylan didn’t know what that meant, didn’t really want to think about it, so he made his way down and closed his mouth over Boyd’s length. He heard a moan, and began to suck Boyd’s cock. Boyd was insistent with his hands, pulling at Raylan’s hair and pushing at the back of his head. Raylan didn’t mind, wished that Boyd would be even rougher with him. He wanted to be made to pay for what he’d done. He wanted Boyd to make him pay for it, and maybe even to pay for that scar which obviously still caused him, if not physical pain, some kind of distress. 

He heard Boyd calling his name, not summoning him, but saying it in pleasure, perhaps in praise that Raylan didn’t feel he deserved one bit. 

“Raylan... Raylan... please, Raylan, make me come, take it from me...”

Raylan gripped his hips and took him as deeply into his throat as he could manage, pulling and pushing with his mouth, swallowing against him until suddenly Boyd’s body tensed, and he dug his fingernails into Raylan’s arm. Raylan felt him coming, and it felt powerful, like it had been a long time.

Raylan came up to lie beside him, and Boyd leaned over to kiss him. 

“That was fucking beautiful. Thank you.”

Boyd reached for Raylan’s cock, but Raylan put his hand over Boyd’s. 

“Don’t. You don’t have to.”

“You don’t want me to?”

“This time should be just for you.”

“This is for me. This is what I want.”

“Boyd, I don’t know what this is.”

“I know you’re scared, Raylan. It doesn’t have to be anything we don’t want it to be. Right now, it’s just this, just like it always was.”

“It’s not like it was.”

“Yes, it is. It was like this, you just don’t remember because you told yourself it wasn’t. You made yourself forget."

"Boyd..."

"That's not an accusation, Raylan. I'm not casting judgement on you. I only know because it's what I did, too. I had to, as I'm sure you did. Otherwise we could never have moved on." 

"Did we?"

"For a time."

“Back then... it didn’t matter, because we both knew I wasn’t staying forever. It was simple, we were just kids. Now, there’s nothing simple about any of this. We may be friends, and we may be something more than that too, but we’re also enemies in a very real way. We are not on the same side.”

“I’m on your side, Raylan.”

Raylan could feel himself getting worked up. These were the very things he had been twisting himself up about while he waited for Boyd to arrive. He needed to say these things to Boyd, needed him to understand that things couldn’t possibly be as simple as he had proposed before.

“That doesn’t mean shit, as you very well know. That you don’t wish any harm to come to me personally, I can accept. That I feel the same about you, I can say truthfully. But none of that matters when it comes down to it. We may find ourselves pointing guns at each other again, at some point in the future, and it may end with one of us dead. Are you prepared for the consequences of killing me? Do you still love me, Boyd?”

He hadn’t meant to ask that last question. Hadn’t even been thinking it, consciously, but it flew out of his mouth without warning. He didn’t think he wanted to hear the answer, even though he was pretty sure he knew it already.

“I feel the same way I’ve always felt about you, Raylan. I’d say you’re like a brother to me, but I never wanted to fuck my brother. Hell, I don’t think I really even loved my brother. What I’m saying is that I want to be as close to you as you’ll let me be, however close that is.”

“Why did you let me fuck you back at the bar? Why did you let me treat you so poorly?”

“You needed something I could offer you. How many times have I refused you something that I could give you?”

Raylan found himself without a response. During the whole time since his return to Harlan, he had been operating on the premise that Boyd was only out for himself, and that when Raylan happened to get in the way of that, Boyd was only too happy to use him or allow him to be hurt. But that was not exactly true, and when he forced himself to really look at the events that had occurred, he’d probably got more from Boyd than Boyd had ever gotten from him. And Boyd had certainly taken a great deal more pain in the bargain - not that Raylan had been entirely spared, himself. Boyd had been there when it really counted, when things were at their lowest, and Raylan thought he should probably stop thinking of that as no more than a lucky turn of events.

“I hear you, Boyd. You mind if I don’t answer you right now?”

“I don’t need an answer from you at all, Raylan. I talk so that you’ll understand me, but you show yourself through your actions. I know everything I need to know about you.”

“That right? Then why the hell would you still be here?”

“Why would you?”

Raylan closed his eyes. He was through with talking about this, because there were no solutions to be had in words. There was no description for this relationship that worked, no possible resolution to their problem that could end with either of them being happy. Just like when they were kids, the only times he was happy about loving Boyd were the times when he and Boyd were together - drinking, talking, fucking, whatever. They made each other happy when they were with each other, and miserable when they were not. 

Boyd propped himself on his elbow and placed a hand on Raylan’s chest, but still Raylan did not open his eyes. He didn’t want to look at Boyd now, didn’t want to stare this particular problem down at the moment. He wanted it to go away, and wanted for it to stay always. He felt Boyd’s breath on his face, felt Boyd’s lips touch his own very lightly. The hand on his chest curled up and the fingertips stroked him as they moved across his body, caressing his shoulder, his arm, his neck. They ran down his side, drawing goosebumps as they went, until they got to his hip, where they flattened out again and held on. Then Boyd’s mouth again, on his face and on his lips, and yet his eyes remained closed. He felt Boyd’s lips stretch into a smile as the hand began to move again, brushing against his cock. He wouldn’t be protesting again, not now. 

Boyd crawled down the bed, and Raylan’s dick got even harder in anticipation. Raylan was pretty sure there was nothing in the world could compare to a Boyd Crowder blowjob, and he was not disappointed. His tongue was amazing, and it was everywhere, never stopped moving. For some reason, he thought of Ava, and how Boyd must be just as good at going down on her as he was at this. Any other time, that thought might have brought him a bit of guilt, but at that moment it almost sent him over. He could picture it, Boyd’s head buried between her legs, and Raylan knew very well the sounds she’d be making. He imagined himself there with them, in Ava’s comfortable house, in her bed, welcomed there and loved by the two of them, truly at home in a way that he hadn’t been since he left here. 

Raylan finally opened his eyes, and looked down at the top of Boyd’s head. He reached down to touch him on the shoulder, rubbing a thumb into the muscle, and he knew that this was not going away. None of this was going away. Raylan could go away, he supposed. He could transfer, leave and never set eyes on Boyd again. It had worked for him for twenty years, and could probably work again, he could be content and maybe even fall in love, have a whole new life. The idea felt a hell of a lot more daunting now, at past 40 and once again wrapped up with a childhood... whatever this was. That it had been powerful enough to draw him back in after all this time was something that probably shouldn’t be ignored.

Boyd suddenly pulled off of Raylan and looked up at him.

“Hey. Tell your mind to shut the fuck up.”

“That’s your job, Boyd. You need to shut it up for me.”

He nodded quickly, then went back to what he was doing with renewed determination. God, it was good. He did shut his stream of thoughts off, and thought of nothing but Boyd’s mouth, and where it was. He was still watching him, looking mostly at his hand where it lay on Raylan’s thigh, all callouses and prison tats and scars, but with nails that were clean and trimmed. Those fingers could do things to him that no one else ever had, he had allowed them access to himself in an intensely intimate way, when he’d been too young to realize how much that could mean to him. That thought, that image, was a step too far, and Raylan was ready. 

“Oh, Boyd, I’m gonna come. I’m coming now... uhhhh, god...”

When it was finished, Boyd came back up next to Raylan, and this time he did something else that was new, something else they never used to do. He moved Raylan’s arm so that he could settle himself in against his shoulder, wrapping an arm around his chest. It felt so right, so comfortable, that Raylan just stayed like that, didn’t even question it out loud. Like the kissing, it was stupid that they could do things that were as intimate as they could be, but declined to show each other the affection that they clearly felt. That was kid stuff, and they weren’t kids anymore.

“Boyd, where does Ava think you are?”

“She knows exactly where I am, Raylan.”

“Exactly?”

“I think so, yes. She knows I... she knows about me. She knows about you and me. She asked me one time, out of the blue, if we had ever said how we felt about each other.”

“We never did.”

“That’s what I told her. I said we didn’t, but we showed each other sometimes. That’s when she suggested that I come and see you.”

“She sent you over here?”

“I guess she did.”

Raylan didn’t know what to think about that, or how to feel. He was glad he wasn’t involved in a second betrayal of Ava, though he knew he was a shit to have done this despite her in the first place. He was uncomfortable with the fact that she knew, but only a little bit. Ava was a person you could trust, he knew that. In a way, it made this whole thing feel safer. If Boyd wasn’t being forced into a choice, then Raylan didn’t have to make one either. 

“You gonna head home, or stay tonight?”

“I won’t stay over, but I would like to stay for awhile if that’s okay with you.”

“You can stay as long as you like. You can stay right where you are for as long as you like.”

“I’ll do that.”

“Can I tell you something?”

“What kind of stupid question is that?”

“When you were sucking my dick, I was thinking about you with her.”

“Ava?”

“Yeah. I was thinking about you eating her pussy, and watching you do that.”

“Jesus. I believe I would love that more than anything in the whole goddamn world.”

“Really?”

“Hell yes. You sucking on her tits while I did it. Or maybe you could hold her on top of you while I fucked her... then I could kiss both of you.”

“Fuck. You think she would ever do it?”

“You know, I think it is in the realm of possibility, as amazing as that is.”

"Could you really ask that of her?"

"For you, I could."

"No. Not for me, not just for me."

"No, not just for you."

They settled in for a bit, not talking or doing anything else, and some time went by before Raylan realized that he hadn't been thinking about much of anything as they lay there. It was a welcome change, and when Boyd said he had to leave, he didn't feel too bad about it. He thought he might even be able to fall asleep tonight without drinking himself into a stupor. 

"I'll see you soon, Raylan."

"Yep. Real soon."


	3. Settled Down Like Rain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "We're gonna have us a good time, now. We're all gonna be kind to one another, and no one is gonna feel bad about this, after. We're all friends here. We all know each other."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, norgbelulah was invaluable to me as a beta on this chapter. It was my first attempt at writing a threesome, and I expected I'd need help with that part of it, but instead she was most helpful to me in keeping the characters focused and true. Thanks. <3

Four days had gone by without hearing from Boyd, but Raylan found himself thinking about their last conversation when there was a lull at work, or when he sat down to have a drink afterwards, and it made him feel equal parts anxious and excited. Mostly, he tried not to think about it, because in the light of day it didn’t seem like anything real. 

On the fifth day, a Friday, his phone buzzed. He was at his desk, trying to catch up on some paperwork and hoping that something interesting would come his way. When he saw who it was, he was half-tempted not to answer it at all, but he knew it was too late for denials. Either something good was going to happen here, or he was going to get an earful from an angry woman, but there was no point in putting it off.

“Hello, Ava.”

“Hey, Raylan. Is this a good time?”

“Good as any.”

“I’m calling because I’d like to invite you to dinner tomorrow night. Would you be able to make it, around seven?”

“I would.”

“Well, then... I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Okay. Thanks, Ava.”

“Don’t thank me yet.” 

She hung up, and Raylan sat staring into space for a minute. He wondered if he should call Boyd, but decided against it. He was sure they’d worked it all out between them anyway, and that it was by design that Ava had been the one to call. Despite his long history with Boyd, he was still the interloper in this, so he’d play by their rules. 

The rest of the day, and the next, played out much too slowly for his liking. Finally, the time rolled around and he headed out to Ava’s house. He didn’t see Boyd’s truck out front, and when Ava let him inside he glanced around quickly.

“Boyd ain’t here, Raylan. I needed to talk to you alone. Come on, dinner’s on the table.”

Raylan felt a bit wrong-footed, but he went into the dining and sat down. He avoided the chair at the head of the table, where he used to sit when they were together, figuring that it was probably Boyd’s chair now. He sat on the side, and after she brought him a drink, she sat across from him. They ate in silence for a little while, and Raylan knew that he had no business starting this conversation. He would wait, knew she'd get to it eventually. When she did, he could hear the fear behind her words, but she sounded brave to him. What she was doing was something he couldn’t imagine himself being capable of.

“Raylan, I need you to tell me about it. I need to hear what it is with you and Boyd.”

“I... what did he tell you?”

“Uh uh. That’s not how this is gonna go, at all. I’m asking, you’re telling.”

Raylan looked down, then all around the room, and finally nodded at her. 

“It’s not that I don’t think you deserve to know. It’s just that it’s hard to talk about. I’ve never talked to anyone about it, ever, you understand?”

“Yes, I understand that. Nevertheless, it’s something I need to know. Regardless of whatever may or may not happen next, I need to know this now.”

“I’ll try. If I had a better handle on it myself, it might be easier to explain it to you. It wasn’t something I ever expected. I never wanted it. Well, no, I wanted it, I just wished I didn’t.”

“But _what_ is it, Raylan? What would you call it?”

Raylan looked back at her, trying to figure out how to tell her that he didn’t know, without pissing her off too much. He well understood why she would want an answer here, but this was the very problem he’d been having since they started this thing back up. He didn’t know what to call it, didn’t want to name it.

“You’re too young to remember this, but when me and Boyd were in... I think seventh grade. I came to school with a big fucking bruise under my eye, and I’m sure you can guess who put it there. After school, just as I was leaving, Boyd came up to me. Now, we weren’t what you could call friends at that time, though we were friendly enough. But he came over to me and asked if my face hurt much. I said no, not too much - although it hurt like hell - and he asked if I was gonna get more of it when I got home. I said that I didn’t think so, usually after it got real bad, there was a break for awhile. He just nodded, like he knew exactly what I was talking about. Which he did, of course. He walked along with me towards my house awhile, even though it was in the wrong direction for him, and I didn’t even question it. I didn’t want to question it, because I wanted him to keep walking with me. I didn’t want to be by myself, but more than that he just gave me a good feeling. He walked me almost the whole way back to the house, just talking bullshit mostly, like he does.”

Ava smiled at that, and Raylan paused to take a few breaths. He hadn’t thought about that day in a long time, and hadn’t really made any kind of connection to the friendship they later formed, until just now. It was separated by so many years, and yet looking back, it seemed like the beginning of everything.

“After that, it was like it had never happened. We didn’t suddenly become friends, we didn’t talk about that day, we just went on like we were before. But when I saw him down at the mine, the first day I started there, I got that same good feeling I had when he walked with me that day. And I needed that, badly.”

“I hardly ever remember seeing one of you without the other, after you started down there.”

“Yeah, that’s so. I just latched on to him, asking everything of him and not even questioning whether I’d get it. And he... well, he never really asked anything of me, but it seemed like he got whatever he needed anyway. Or, I don’t know, maybe there was more that he wanted from me, but I’m not like him. I can’t read people’s desires the way he can.” 

“He does have a talent for that. I didn’t realize it went back so far. Raylan, this is interesting and all, but that was all a long time ago. I need to know about now.”

“When I came back here after all that time and saw him, I got so goddamn angry. I couldn’t reconcile the person I thought I’d known back then with the man I saw in front of me. He looked familiar, he grinned at me like he knew me, but I didn’t know who the hell that was standing there. Over time, I guess I came to understand him again, after a fashion. I was learning how to like him again. It’s hard not to, you know. He’s... “

Raylan trailed off, and Ava was looking at him like she understood more about him than he did about himself. It occurred to him that she and Boyd together were nothing to be trifled with. If it came down to it, he’d better be sure to outdraw them, because he was never going to outwit them.

“When he came over that night, I was in a bad place. He came to me offering something that I didn’t even realize I still wanted. He offered it, and I just took it. I felt like I needed it, and I didn’t even give you a second thought. I’m sorry.”

“And what do you need from him now, Raylan?”

“You want me to be honest here, I’m guessing?”

“Yes, I need you to be honest.”

“I’m not sure how to separate what I need, from what I want, at this point. I want whatever he’s willing to give me, but I don’t know what I can give him. Just like it’s always been, as I’m sure he can tell you. But I can live without it, if I have to. I did for a long time, and I can do it again. He doesn’t belong to me, never did, and I have neither the desire nor the ability to take him away from you.”

Ava closed her eyes at that, and Raylan wasn’t sure if it was relief, or if it was fear of a possibility she hadn’t even considered before.

“I love him, Raylan.”

“I know. And he loves you.”

“He loves you.”

“I know that, too.”

“Do you care about him?”

Raylan nodded, not trusting himself to say anything just then. He knew Ava wanted him to tell her everything, and he knew there was something he hadn’t said, something she had a right to hear. 

“What is it, Raylan? If there’s ever a time, it’s now.”

“I’ve never even said it to him.”

Ava drew in a sharp breath and her eyes widened. 

“Well, whatever you say or don’t say to him is your business, but if you don’t say it to me right now, you’re out of here.”

Raylan drew a deep breath, and wondered just how little he could get away with telling her. She wasn't the kind of person who was willing to swallow an outright lie, and he knew that she'd hear it in his voice if he tried.

“I did love him, back then. I didn’t call it that, but I don’t know what else it could possibly have been.”

“And now?”

“I don’t know.” Raylan’s eyes darted toward the door, and he wondered briefly if it was too late to bolt.

“I think you do.”

“Well, maybe I do. But the fact is, as much as I do care for him, he is also a huge pain in my ass. I would like to be able to say that my feelings are as simple and straightforward as his are, but his choices, the way he lives, get in the way of that. ”

“But you’ll still take what he offers you?”

“It’s kind of our thing.”

Ava rolled her eyes and sighed. 

“Ava, look. I know you want honesty, and that’s what this is. I’m conflicted. But I’ll tell you what, why don’t you just ask Boyd how I feel about him? He always knows this shit before I do, anyway.”

“What makes you think I haven’t already done that, Raylan?”

“Well, of course you have. No spoilers, please.” 

“You said before that you didn’t know if there was anything Boyd wanted from you back in the day, because he never asked you, and you were a clueless asshole, right?”

“I don’t think that’s exactly what I said, but okay...”

“Well, now you know at least one thing that he wants. And you and I can give it to him. What do you think about that?”

Raylan locked eyes with Ava, hardly daring to believe that this was the decision she’d come to, after that conversation. But he could see the truth, recognized the look on her face as clear as day. She might be framing this as something for Boyd, and she may even see it that way, but there was no doubt in his mind that it was what she wanted, too.

“That sounds just fine, Ava. When would you like to give this wonderful gift to Boyd?”

“He’s coming back in about ten minutes. I told him either this was gonna happen, or you were gonna be gone.”

“Well.” Raylan didn’t know what else there was to say, but he could feel the smile stretching across his face and didn’t even try to hold it back. 

“Quit grinning like a fool, Raylan Givens,” Ava said, but she had a matching one starting up on her own face. Raylan stood up and walked around to her chair. 

“Come up here a minute, would you?”

Ava stood, and Raylan leaned in and gave her a kiss that left no room for interpretation. 

“Whatever else happens is for all of us. But that was just for you, okay?”

“Okay,” she said, and it came out almost soundlessly. 

Raylan helped her clear the dishes from the table, and then they sat back down with fresh drinks, not talking, but glancing at each other occasionally. When the door opened, they sat very still, looking out into the hallway, waiting. 

Boyd came to the entrance to the dining room and leaned up against the archway. 

"Well, ain't that a pretty sight. Looks like Christmas came early." His voice was soft, and his eyes looked as dark as coal in the low light. 

Ava stood up and went to him, taking his hand and kissing him gently on his mouth. Raylan stayed where he was, suddenly unsure of his place in this. This was Ava's house, Ava's man, and she was going to have to take the lead here. She seemed to feel the same way, and she spoke to both of them now.

"We're gonna have us a good time, now. We're all gonna be kind to one another, and no one is gonna feel bad about this, after. We're all friends here. We all know each other."

Raylan looked at her and nodded, then made eye contact with Boyd for the first time since he came in. Boyd gave him a smile, and he smiled back, then followed them as they walked toward the stairs. 

No one said anything as they entered the bedroom and began removing their clothes. When they were all naked, standing there as exposed as any of them had ever felt, Ava spoke again.

"I haven't seen the two of you touch each other in any way that didn't involve violence of some kind, in over twenty years."

Boyd raised his eyebrows at her and asked, "Would you like to see that now?"

Her mouth was slightly open, and her breathing was visibly elevated. "Yes, I think I'd like that."

Boyd looked straight at Raylan, but stood still. Raylan walked over to him, put his hand on the side of neck and kissed him very slowly, very deliberately. Boyd reached up and touched his arm, running his thumb over the muscle of his bicep, and then pulled away gently. They both looked over at Ava, who seemed mesmerized by the sight. 

Raylan went to stand behind her, kissing her neck and reaching around to fondle her breast, while Boyd came up and stood in front of her. He kissed her lips and worked his way down her body, licking at the nipple that wasn't being handled by Raylan, and dropped to his knees. He kissed her stomach and thighs, then placed his mouth between her legs and put his tongue to work. 

Raylan felt it when her legs started to give out on her, and he wrapped his free arm around her waist for support. When Boyd pulled back for a breather, Raylan lifted her up like it was nothing and set her down on the bed. He lay down beside her and kissed her as Boyd came up between her thighs and lowered his head to her again.

Raylan gave Ava as much of his attention as he could spare, but he had a hard time keeping his eyes off what Boyd was doing. Without giving it much thought, he reached down to stroke the back of his head, and with that he heard Ava's breath start to come faster, panting out little high pitched noises, and then her body began to tense and shudder. Boyd didn't stop until she pushed his head away, then he wiped his face on his arm and moved up to kiss her, whispering something into her ear. She nodded, and he got up, walking around to the head of the bed and sliding in behind her, pulling her up so her head rested on his chest as he lay half reclined on some pillows.

Boyd spoke to Raylan now, for the first time since he first arrived at the house.

"Ain't she beautiful, Raylan?"

"Yes, she is."

"Don't you want to fuck her?"

Raylan's eyes went wide, and almost asked if Boyd was sure. The look on his face, however, made it clear that it was an irrelevant question. 

"Yes, I'd like that. If she wants it."

"She does."

Raylan could see that this was true, though for the first time since they'd started, he felt a little bit afraid. He hadn't expected this, but he wasn't going to back away from it either. He started forward, then hesitated. 

Boyd gestured to the bedside table and said, "Top drawer, Raylan. 'Less you fancy the notion of a little Givens running around Harlan bearing the Crowder name."

Raylan smirked as he opened the drawer and and pulled out a condom. "Probably wouldn't be the first time."

Boyd looked at him with a familiar mix of amusement, grudging admiration and incredulity. Ava huffed out an impatient breath and said, "Don't you boys ever quit? I swear."

Raylan finished getting the rubber on, leaned over her and sunk himself into her. He kissed her, tasting traces of herself that Boyd had left there, then breathed into her ear, "Sometimes."

Her warm, soft wetness felt familiar, yet very strange all at once. Boyd's knee rose next to her hip, and Raylan reached over to hold on to it. Boyd's fingers were in Ava's hair, stroking it, but his eyes were on Raylan. Raylan could hardly bear to look at him. His emotions felt like some huge, fierce creature locked behind a flimsy door. This was all very close to being too much to handle, and then Boyd put his hand on Raylan's face. 

He knew what Boyd wanted, and he wanted to give it to him, but he was terrified of it. He leaned forward and they kissed, and it was more than he could take. He started fucking Ava harder, unable to hold back anymore, and as he came, he said the thing that he thought Boyd wanted, or maybe needed to hear. He whispered it in his ear, as if it were some kind of secret, even though they all knew it was nothing of the sort. 

Raylan rolled off of Ava and went to flush the rubber. When he came back, she was kissing Boyd and stroking his cock, and Raylan went to sit next to them.

"You gonna help Boyd out, Raylan? I think it's his turn for some attention."

"Okay. I can do that."

"I know you can. I want to see it."

Raylan lay on the other side of Boyd and put his hand on top of Ava's, and they moved together up and down Boyd's length. They took turns kissing him until he looked like he was going to bust out of his skin, and then Raylan moved down, pausing to kiss the gunshot scar twice before moving on. 

Ava looked at him curiously when he did it, but he thought he'd leave it to Boyd to explain that one. He didn't fully understand it himself, but he knew it was tied up with Boyd's feelings regarding their whole contentious, affectionate, and intensely complicated relationship. Raylan didn't like to dwell on shit like that, but Boyd seemed to thrive on it.

He held Boyd's cock in his hand and ran his mouth up and down the sides of the shaft. when he finally took him all the way in, he heard a relieved groan. He sucked him for a surprisingly long time, considering all the things they’d been doing. Raylan wondered at his control, made a mental note to ask him later if he’d jerked off earlier in the day just so he could show off. The thought made him smile, and he must have gotten Boyd with his teeth a little bit, because he felt fingers tug sharply on his hair. That only made him smile more, and he pulled off for a moment to give a more intentional bite to the inside of his thigh. Boyd drew in a quick breath, and Raylan remembered some other details from the misty past, about some of Boyd’s preferences. 

“Goddamn, Raylan, cut that shit out. You’re killin’ me.”

Raylan bit him again, a little harder, and then returned to his cock. Boyd definitely seemed less in control of himself now, and he had his hand on the back of Raylan’s head, hovering there as if hesitant to insist on anything. Raylan reached up and pushed Boyd’s hand into his hair, encouraging him to show Raylan what he wanted. No sooner had he done that than Boyd started shoving his head down, forcing Raylan to take all of him, and he was glad to do it. He wanted it, wanted Boyd to take something from him, for once, to insist. Boyd came quickly after that, deep in Raylan’s throat, with a sound of unabated release coming from his mouth. 

Ava made a sound something like a sigh, and she put her head down on Boyd’s shoulder. They all lay there on the bed for some time afterwards, until finally Raylan got up and started to pull his clothes on. Ava reached out and took hold of his arm.

“You can stay if you want, Raylan. There’s room.”

“No, I don’t think I will. But thank you, Ava.”

“There’s room for you, Raylan. You hear what I’m saying? We can make room.”

Raylan stared at her in wonder, and then glanced at Boyd who was looking at her in more or less the same way. He finished getting dressed in silence, then looked over at her again. 

“I’ll think on that.” He leaned over to kiss her on the forehead, cast another look at Boyd and lifted his hand in farewell.

“Hang on, Raylan, I’ll walk down with you.” Boyd swung out of bed, pulled on his shorts and followed him out of the room. They went downstairs, and at the door, Raylan put his hand on Boyd’s shoulder and gave it a squeeze. 

“Everything okay with you, Boyd?”

“Everything is just fine with me. You?”

“Pretty good, I think. It was a lot to... it was just a lot.”

“I know, I know it was. You’re not gonna go running for the hills now, are you?”

“We’re in the hills already.” Raylan was smiling, just a little bit, but he felt pretty good. 

“Well, you have a point there. Nowhere left to run.”

“Maybe not.” 

“I’ll see you, Raylan.”

“Count on that, Boyd.”

**Author's Note:**

> Work title from "I'd Run Away," by the Jayhawks.


End file.
